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26 May 2012 @ 02:12 pm
finale [Tetsuya/Ayana x 30 kisses]  
Title: finale
Fandom: L'Arc~en~Ciel
Pairing: Tetsuya/Ayana
Prompt: 30 kisses #30: kiss
Rating: G.
Word(s): 1089
Summary: Tetsuya confesses his love to Ayana, but now he isn't entirely sure she understood what sort of 'love' he meant.
Author's Note: I've had the idea for this one floating around in my head forever. I started it a while ago, and just now had time to edit it and put it together so it actually makes some sense.
Finally off of exam hiatus! Woo!

Comments & feedback are always appreciated. I hope you enjoy this one! \(^-^)/

Contrary to popular belief, evidently, saying "I love you" is not always the clearest way to declare one's feelings.

Sometimes, when one says "I love you" to another person, that other person just smiles cutely and says, "Oh, I love you too!" punctuates it with a giggle, and doesn't mean it at all.

Tetsuya tried to remember how long he had stared after her when she replied like that, and if his mouth had been hanging open or not. He certainly hoped not. That would not have been terribly helpful to his cause.

They had been dating for a few solid months now-- really dating, as Tetsuya didn't really count the days they had spent together as simply friends, since that felt rather like cheating-- and he had spent an average of fifty seconds per minute he was awake, by his own careful estimation, struggling with the fact that he was in love with her.

I love you. I love you, Ayana. I'm in love with you. I love you. He said it again and again, in his head, murmured to his judgmental reflection in the mirror, even echoing in his dreams. It was becoming a rather serious issue. Somehow, he had to get those words out of his head, across space, over surely great distances to meet her.

Yet, as impossible as it seemed, he did it. He said it.

Perhaps it was the way he had said it that threw her off, or the timing? He had said it rather quietly, in a slightly lower tone than that in which he usually spoke-- a more serious octave, he had thought. He had said it after they had shared what a good time they had, but before they said their goodbyes. The words bubbled up in his throat and leaped into the air before he could even hope to stop them. To think! He had struggled with how to say them, how to force them out for months, and they simply came about on their own.

"I love you, Ayana."

Oh, he could remember exactly how she smiled, how the tone of her voice never wavered in its assurance, how her lips had perked up at the corners in that uniquely adorable way he had never seen anyone else do-- he had replayed the scene again and again in the days since these moments had occurred.

"I love you too!"

She said it so lightly and flippantly, Tetsuya had blinked away surprise-- though he couldn't quite remember whether his mouth had been hanging open or not, and he hoped it wasn't-- and she spoke those holy words in the same tone she then said, "See you later! Bye!"

Those phrases were not to be held equivalent. Did she not hear the earnest in his voice? No, she did not understand. Not at all.

--what had he done wrong?

A most painful and difficult week had passed since then, and once again Tetsuya was walking beside Ayana by the park. This time they were coming from dinner rather than from a shopping trip, but even that did not matter, not now. What mattered was what he had done wrong. A mistake he could not identify...

He loved her so much, so, so much... what words were there to describe that sort of love? None, really. Some clever soul ages ago had crafted one succinct, elegant phrase to sum it all up, and yet, it had failed to communicate what he sorely needed it to when he last uttered it.

"Ayana, I--" but the words froze in his throat, dropping back into the conflicted recesses of his heart. His eyes trailed down from her steady returning gaze to her nose, across her soft cheekbones, down to her mouth. What was she going to say? What could she say? That was a simple concept-- she would most certainly say exactly what she said before, wouldn't she? He couldn't take that, not again. Something had to change, and he couldn't expect that to miraculously come to her.

"I love you--" he muttered, the words coming out in a rush, tumbling over each other. Then, within the space of a half-second at most, he did what he would later consider to be the bravest, or possibly dumbest thing he had done over the course of his memory-- he kissed her. Tetsuya took hold of her shoulders gently, if suddenly, as if they were glass in his careful hands and any additional pressure would break her, or the moment, or both. It was not a hard kiss, and far from even vaguely insistent, but he kissed her just as he wanted to tell her how he felt. The feeling of it was exactly the same, the sweetness just that of those unspoken words. He was just saying it in a different way, he supposed-- though, later this would be one of the thoughts he would come to dismiss as "stupid".

Another second later, he had pulled away once again, though he hesitated just before opening his eyes. His heart had taken the moment to gain occupation of his throat, and both swallowing and breathing were therefore rather difficult. The world came into focus before him and his gaze settled upon the very thing he was most afraid of seeing-- Ayana, surprised, looking back at him.

“Tetsu...” was all she said, her voice never reaching above a low murmur. Her hands settled lightly upon his shoulders, as if she meant to comfort him. “Tetsu...”

Tetsuya's countenance remained visibly unsure of how to arrange itself-- for the time being, it sat on the precipice dividing agony, euphoria, despair, pride and regret. However, by the time his mind had fully caught up with what his body had just done, all he really wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die.

“...I know you do,” she finally finished, a gentle smile tickling the corners of her lips, nothing more.

“You-- you do?”

“Yes,” she assented softly. “You can tell when someone feels the same way you do.”

Tetsuya's eyes discovered an entirely new diameter in that instant, and a grin slowly, slowly worked its way into his countenance. He really wanted nothing more than to hug her tight, or perhaps to kiss her again, or even to pick her up and spin her around, shouting to the world that he, Tetsuya Ogawa, was absolutely in love... but in the end, all he did was smile.

And really, perhaps that was all he ever needed to do.

Listening to: "Chase (English version)" - L'Arc~en~Ciel