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26 May 2012 @ 07:20 pm
Breaking Promises [Tetsuya/Ayana x 30 kisses]  
Title: Breaking Promises
Fandom: L'Arc~en~Ciel
Pairing: Tetsuya/Ayana
Prompt: 30 kisses #22: cradle
Rating: PG.
Warning(s): dark topics (miscarriage)
Words: 781
Summary: Tetsuya wanted to be strong for her sake, so he never cried. He wanted to be able to hold them together, even while everything else was falling to pieces. All they had was three months-- three months' worth of broken promises.
Author's Note: First of all, let me say I really don't know why I wrote this fic. Well, I mean, I do-- some people have been speculating as to why Ayana seemed so gung-ho about having a kid, and then they have not yet; some theorize that they may have suffered a miscarriage. I think this is incredibly unlikely, and beyond that, the thought makes me very sad! But the idea just wouldn't leave my head, and I decided to explore their feelings if this were to happen (god forbid it ever does!) and somehow, I... really like how it turned out? I'm actually pretty proud of it. Besides being really sad, I do like it a lot. I hope you appreciate it for one reason or another!

Comments & feedback make me SO happy. Even if it's just a "hey I read this", that's totally fine with me! Hope you enjoy~ \(^-^)/

It was nearly three months. Three months' promise and joy and wonderment.

Neither of them ever thought such a thing could happen, not when they had made it to nearly three months... that was the first of a series of finish lines. They were all ready to make the phone calls, announce it to the relatives, the friends, the curious acquaintances.

It was only three months that translated into longer months of grief for the loss of a life they never even knew.

Tetsuya watched the gentle rising and falling of the lump of blankets beside him in bed, thinking about the miracle that life was. Ayana was breathing. Breathing, and that was all.

His arm had crept around her waist as they slept, as had become habit during those three months of promise. He had delighted in how he could feel the subtle difference in the familiar shape of her body as the weeks went by-- though it was virtually undetectable when Ayana was fully dressed, he knew her well enough to notice every pound. His fingertips traced lightly across the faintly concave surface of her stomach, though now the gesture carried no such weight as it had before. There had been the slightest little bulge, he remembered. Just a tiny one. Now there was no such marked change-- her body was completely familiar to him again. It lost no appeal, of course, but it lost that faint element of wonderment. She was a different sort of miracle now.

While Ayana's crying came in erratic bouts for a few weeks, Tetsuya never shed a single tear. His presence was constant in their home for those weeks, so she sought him out whenever her tears spilled over. All he did was hold her, as that was truly all he could do. He wanted to be strong for her. They needed each other, but even more than that, he wanted to be the source of comfort that she needed.

Every time, he kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her lips, but he knew he couldn't possibly kiss the pain away. He couldn't kiss her where it truly hurt.

He had to be strong for her, he told himself. He had to be strong and solid and immovable, so he would be there even as it seemed that everything else was falling apart.

Every time, he held her tight, as if she would shatter to pieces the moment he let her go. But how could he, really, when even his arms were riddled with tiny fractures, threatening to deepen and tear him apart?

He knew that she wanted to be strong too. She set her mouth in a determined line rather than a frown, and her hands squeezed into fists at her sides. At these times, he went to her because he didn't want her to suffer alone.

When he asked her what was wrong, she would say, “Nothing,” but she wasn't being honest. Then she would add, “You don't have to worry about me, Tetsu,” but she wasn't being honest about that, either.

“It's completely natural to feel this way. Some couples feel a sense of relief, but most feel loss. It's a natural grieving process.”

Perhaps the worst part, in Tetsuya's mind, was how powerless he felt. He wanted to be strong for her. He wanted to be able to hold the two of them together even while everything crumbled around them. Maybe the very worst part, in Tetsuya's heart, was that he knew he couldn't.

He couldn't decide if he hated the fact that he had never let himself cry.

Tetsuya still kept his arm around Ayana's waist, as had become habit during the weeks of breaking promises. He silently studied her face in the semidarkness, wondering if he were to wake her up just then and ask her how she was feeling, she would reply with that tight-lipped smile and lie to him that she was just fine. Every time she did that, it was as if he could see right through her to where the deepest fractures in her own strength were. Yet still, even if he could see that, it wasn't as if he could kiss it better.

Even his strength for her sake was beginning to crumble, just like everything else.

He let his head fall back onto his pillow, taking in his wife's countenance in profile. She was broken, she was lovely. She was a unique sort of miracle. Even if they had lost that promise and wonderment that had been growing inside of her, he still had her. And in the end, he knew she had always been strong for him and he needed her more than anything.

Long tear tracks ran down his cheeks, like tiny cracks in his skin.

ana_meganeana_megane on May 27th, 2012 08:29 am (UTC)
Hi Marieciel...
It's the first time for me to write a comment here, although I already read almost all your fanfics sometime ago. :)

I always like your fanfics specially if you write about Ayana and tetsuya. I am also their huge fans. I think they are a cute and perfect couple. ^.^

Sometime I need friend to chat about them and I am glad that there is somebody else who also likes them....

Thanks for this fic. It's very beautiful...
Look forward for the next fics. :D
Marie Ciel: [L'A] chasemarieciel on November 14th, 2012 11:50 pm (UTC)
Hello there! Thank you so very much for commenting on my fic! It means a lot to me.

It's rare to find someone who likes Tetsuya and Ayana...! They are my favorite couple! I'd love to discuss them with you, anytime you like.

I will gladly continue to write fic about these two. They deserve appreciation.

Thanks again! Look forward to talking to you!
clauhaitsuclauhaitsu on September 18th, 2012 03:22 am (UTC)
I found this fic and I died ( ゚д゚๑) My feeels >.<

there are very few people who write about this couple , Thanks!! ♥!

Marie Ciel: [L'A] tetsuya silvermarieciel on November 14th, 2012 11:52 pm (UTC)
A fic of mine giving someone feels is the highest compliment ;u; Thank you for reading and commenting! It means a lot to me!

I will always write about Tetsuya and Ayana, I adore them~